So a few years back I decided to try online dating. I tried a few different sites and learned pretty quickly that match seemed to be more of a hookup site in my age range, and also when I started meeting some of these guys (in a neutral public setting and for a brief coffee meeting of course – safety first ladies!) I found that few if any were as represented in their profiles. Almost all of them had used photos that were years old and had stated their age as younger and their height as taller than the actual. I know that my experience is similar to that of many of you who have been online and I know that many of you, as I did, tried different websites. I always found it funny that the guys I met on eHarmony were the weirdest of all – ironic that the website that touts itself as being the most selective and makes you go through significant personality tests to find your most compatible mate matches you up with wackos. Now I know what you’re thinking, that I must be a wacko to be matched by eHarmony with these guys because eHarmony’s algorithms can’t be wrong, right? But I don’t take it personally because every single one of them was also on match.com and/or chemistry and/or fitness singles… it seems that the eHarmony process, for me anyway, was not as selective as it portrayed.
I have some very funny stories about some of these guys and some good warnings for you. I am sure those of you who have tried online dating have equally funny stories – can’t wait to hear them!
Let’s start with the gentleman I call “Boots”. So I get matched up with this good-looking guy and we go through the cumbersome eHarmony process and make it to the end where we can actually communicate directly with each other and set up a time to meet for lunch. The lunch goes very well, he’s charming and funny and attractive and makes me laugh and has that twinkle in his eyes that is a must for me, and so we agreed to get together again. Next date was for dinner. He was a gentleman and again a lot of fun conversation and attraction and this time I got a very nice good night kiss. Very nice. A few days later we both had a blank spot in our schedule and met for coffee. A few days after that I got a nice email from him to dinner at his place, and I figured that after three dates I could risk it – after all, some people do hook up at the end of one. And plus I could see what, if any, kind of a cook he is and where he lives and how he keeps his house and get all those kind of compatibility indicators out of the way. And I did get a pretty strong compatibility indicator. He isn’t a cook, basically overcooked everything and served a store bought Boston cream pie for dessert. Although I give him points for even having a dessert. And his house, while in a good neighborhood, was under maintained and under furnished – the main piece of furniture in the dining room being the slot car race track he had set up for his son. Points for that too because I happen to be a car gal and I liked that he had fun with his son. It was after dinner that things got interesting. He suggested that we have our dessert on the couch, which we did – we ate our dessert couch. And then we sat and talked and sat and talked and sat and talked. No moves, no kissing, no attempts. So I was wondering what was going on and making plans to say my goodnight and get out of there when he commented on my boots.
“Those are great boots” he said, “do you have any others?”
“Yes, of course” I replied “I have lots, these were part of my costume when I had my band years ago.” I was wearing my cool fringed cowboy boots with silver heels.
“Really!” he replied, “Do you have any other costumes at home?”
Now I’m sure some of you are laughing at this point because you already get it, but naïve little me who hadn’t dated in many years because I was married and then my husband had died too young a few years before this didn’t get it yet.
The next communication from him was another email invitation, for sushi at his house. “I’ll bring the sushi, you be the aggressor” it said. I politely declined. Now I’m sure most of you who didn’t already have the “boots” picture in your head have gotten it, but again inexperienced me didn’t.
Until I went to the counselor I’d been seeing about my late husband and after my inappropriate rebound romance.
She said, as nicely as possible “I think it would have involved more than boots.”
I must have given her a blank book because she added “like maybe, a whip…”
“Oh my god” I exclaimed “why the heck was he on eHarmony and not on S&M.com or something if that’s what he was into?!?”
I mean, seriously, why waste all that time and energy on the eHarmony process and all of those required Q and A’s and risk a rejection when he could just go straight to what he was looking for…?
Men…
You can’t always trust that which you read online. However, I really do trust you!